Parenting as a Spiritual Practice
I’ve become a stepmom in the last year. It’s the most fun, exhausting, challenging, and rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
I used to think sitting in a 10-day silent meditation retreat was challenging. That is nothing compared to having kids, in fact, it’s kind of a holiday.
I try to view everything from a spiritual perspective. If I can try to view parenting from that lens it makes it a little lighter and the challenges seem more like I’m a martial artist with her master teacher, than a tired stepmom.
Here are 3 ways I look at parenting in a spiritual light:
Whatever emotions I can’t tolerate in the children are emotions I can’t be with myself.
Kids really teach you how to be in discomfort. When they’re crying, throwing a fit, being difficult etc etc it’s interesting to me that some emotions are easier for me to be with than others.
For example, anger, I can be with a child’s (and my own) anger without having to fix it or change it. I like to move when angry and if they’re open to it encourage the kids to do the same. I can stay calm and present while they’re angry.
But whining, whining is almost impossible for me. Dr. Becky (my favorite online parenting teacher) says that whining comes from a feeling of helplessness.
When the kids whine I want to pull my hair out. This is interesting because when I sat and thought about it, I have very little tolerance for my own whining.
An intention I have for my own life is to be able to sit with everything and every part of me, regardless of how difficult it it.
We often learn where we need to hug ourselves most by watching where we get reactive. I’ve become aware of when I am whining (in my head or in life) and I slow down and practice kindness and tolerance for myself there.
2. Patience takes practice and is a virtue. Intention is everything.
Every day when I wake up I say the same heartfelt prayer/intention for the day, it’s very clear: please let me do everything I do from the heart. Let me speak from the heart, decide from heart and work from the heart.
My patience is tested, a lot, I think they give kids phd’s in patience testing.
Sometimes I loose it, when I do, the apology/repair is part of going back to the heart.
When we are running late and the kids can’t find the shoes that they should have had laid out from the night before, and I want to yell, I remind myself, this is a good time to practice patience. This is a good time to speak from the heart. Phew, hard choices. Getting angry and frustrated is a lot easier.
3. Perfection isn’t possible. Repair is everything.
My mom was really good at repair. She’d lose it on us a lot, and I recall her coming back and apologizing for her tone and words when they were harsh.
That modeling really helped me apologize as an adult.
My stepkids have been through a lot in the last couple of years.
There was an incident about a week ago where I was getting the 8-year-old ready for school. Everything we discussed getting ready the night before wasn’t done (rookie parenting mistake on my part for not double-checking).
There was a lot of crying, stomping, and whining going on. By the time we got into the car, I could feel my own nervous system amped up, but externally I stayed patient.
As I was driving her to school she started kicking the back of my seat. I politely asked her to stop, and she grunted in her own frustration and gave it another big kick.
I pulled the car over, turned around and let her know that was enough…. In my least kind voice. Wasn’t my proudest moment.
We drove the rest of the way to school in angry silence. When I got home I calmed myself, revisited my intention.
When she returned from school that day, I asked if I could speak to her and I told her that I was sorry for my tone earlier in the day. I said her behavior was not okay, but my yelling was not okay either. I said I was sorry and asked if she could forgive me. She hugged me with tears in her eyes.
Parenting has allowed me to allow myself to be more human. No one is perfect, but it’s how we take responsibility for how we act that matters. I hope to be able to model this for the children, and myself for many years.
If you resonate with this story please share it! Or send me a message through contact me with your parenting as a spiritual practice story. I’d love to hear about it.
